when You don't

The wedding was beautiful!! The weather was gorgeous and so were the bride and groom who had everyone in tears by the end of the ceremony. The party went late into the night and I did not get to sleep until after 1. Waking up the next morning did not happen until almost noon. I felt like a truck had hit me even though I didn't have anything to drink the night before. I danced but not enough that my joints and muscles along with my head and neck would be hurting so much. Fatigue enveloped me like a thick fog. I was thankful it was an easy and relaxing Sunday, but a bit overwhelmed with the prospect of going back to work the next day. 

It finally hit me why I felt like this. Oh yes-the f-word that I try not to talk about or think about or let consume my thoughts. Fibromyalgia-oh how I hate you. I try not to focus on it. I know that God carries me through each day because there is no way I could teach kindergarten and make it on my own. He supplies my strength and provides the way. I know that His grace is sufficient in my weakness and that when I am weak I am actually the strongest I will ever be because of the power of Christ working through me. 

However, this f-word chronic syndrome has been with me for the last four years. Alongside of it I was treated for chronic Lyme disease and have spent countless of hours and money to find relief. I know God can choose to heal me and I know He might not. On this particular Sunday I was frustrated by the fact that I am 32 and cannot enjoy activities like everyone else. That I have to find a balance and limit myself and watch everything I do and eat (yup-I also have a big gluten-sensitivity so its gluten-free for me). It can become tiring. This school year has been rough without chronic illness pounding on my body.

But God is faithful. His grace is sufficient. He is my strength and I am strongest when I am weak-when I am utterly and completely dependent upon Him. That is when He shines. But I don't always feel this way and my emotions were hitting hard-my brother now married (finding myself in a season of singleness once again), my health spiraling downward (vacation week was such a treat) and finding out that standing up for God will result in snickers and sarcastic remarks (emotional overload).

Then a package arrived and it had a CD. I had never heard of this artist and I wondered what my college roomie knew about this CD that had made her send it to me for my birthday. Well, God knew and He knew that this was the time I would need to hear it. To listen to the words and to trust in Him even when He doesn't act the way I think He should. 

The song is "Trust in You" by Lauren Daigle and it made me see things with a new perspective. It is my prayer for the rest of this year and beyond. I hope it encourages you like it encouraged me. As always I will post the lyrics and the lyric video (this song should be played loudly over and over again :)) Even through chronic illness and singleness, His ways are always higher, His plans always good!!! 

Letting go of every single dream

I lay each one down at your feet

Every moment of my wandering

Never changes what You see

I've tried to win this war I confess

My hands are weary, I need Your rest

Mighty Warrior, King of the fight

No matter what I face, You're by my side

When You don't move the mountains I'm needing You to move

When You don't part the waters I wish I could walk through

When You don't give the answers as I cry out to You

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings

There's not a day ahead You have not seen

So in all things be my life and breath

I want what You want Lord and nothing less

You are my strength and comfort

You are my steady hand

You are my firm foundation, the Rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher

Your plans are always good

There's not a place where I'll go, You've not already stood! 

Linking with InspireMeMonday,  Titus2Tuesday, Monday Musings and Faith-Filled Fridays