Sunday, April 12, 2015

Hot Mess

Yesterday was rough. I felt like I was drowning. It was as if I was stuck underneath the surface and life was going on above me. I think it all started when I could not stay asleep-which is nothing new- but waking up 5 or 6 times per hour made me start to go a little crazy. 

Weekends are always tough, but I have noticed Saturday and Sunday have become unbearable at times since the weather changed. When the snow started to melt and the sun was shining brighter and the days became longer. You see my ex and I used to do so much outside, especially in the spring and summer. We would even go to the beach in March with our winter coats and walk outside. We liked being active and finding new places to explore. There was always an adventure and I loved every minute of it with him. 

So back to Saturday morning when I got up a lot earlier than normal. The day seemed to drag on and my thoughts were relentless and the tears flowed. I realized my heart was/is still broken. Usually I can call out to God and find peace and comfort in Him, but this day I felt disconnected. I couldn't form any words and I was tired of trying. I immersed myself in pity and oh what a party it was. I felt angry at God-wondering why he had brought him into my life to begin with, why once again I was alone-lonely and longing for what was. I thought- he has moved on, why can't I? However, it hasn't really been that long. In God's timing, my heart will be whole again.

I realized that only because of God-only because He has carried me and sustained me since that awful day- that I have made it this far. He rescued me, gave me His strength, His grace, His peace. It is a relationship though. The give and take go both ways. I have to do my part. The more time I spent with God over the last 4 months, the more time I wanted to spend with Him. The more intimately I got to know my Savior, Jesus Christ, through this Lenten season, the more I fell in love. I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears (Psalm 34:4) This Psalm could not be more true in my life. But then come the days like yesterday when I am just a hot mess! 

I end each day in the Bible. I find it relaxing and comforting. I am currently reading Deuteronomy and Mark. Even though I felt disconnected from God and like He had abandoned me (which He never does- He is always with me) I felt God through the words of Moses and Mark. I went to sleep hopeful-looking forward to a brand new day. 

I went to church this morning and I found God. I found Him and felt Him through praise and worship, through the preaching of His Word and through my small group. I fixed my eyes on Him and He did not disappoint. He calls to me! He calls for me to trust Him through those hot mess days. He calls me to remember that He is my hope, that He knows my future and that it is for my good and His glory! Praise the Lord! 

1 comment:

  1. I think this is so true - that we have to seek God out for comfort, and sometimes that is HARD to do. Or even to remember to do. Thank you for such a beautifully put reminder!