Hot Mess

Yesterday was rough. I felt like I was drowning. It was as if I was stuck underneath the surface and life was going on above me. I think it all started when I could not stay asleep-which is nothing new- but waking up 5 or 6 times per hour made me start to go a little crazy. 

Weekends are always tough, but I have noticed Saturday and Sunday have become unbearable at times since the weather changed. When the snow started to melt and the sun was shining brighter and the days became longer. You see my ex and I used to do so much outside, especially in the spring and summer. We would even go to the beach in March with our winter coats and walk outside. We liked being active and finding new places to explore. There was always an adventure and I loved every minute of it with him. 

So back to Saturday morning when I got up a lot earlier than normal. The day seemed to drag on and my thoughts were relentless and the tears flowed. I realized my heart was/is still broken. Usually I can call out to God and find peace and comfort in Him, but this day I felt disconnected. I couldn't form any words and I was tired of trying. I immersed myself in pity and oh what a party it was. I felt angry at God-wondering why he had brought him into my life to begin with, why once again I was alone-lonely and longing for what was. I thought- he has moved on, why can't I? However, it hasn't really been that long. In God's timing, my heart will be whole again.

I realized that only because of God-only because He has carried me and sustained me since that awful day- that I have made it this far. He rescued me, gave me His strength, His grace, His peace. It is a relationship though. The give and take go both ways. I have to do my part. The more time I spent with God over the last 4 months, the more time I wanted to spend with Him. The more intimately I got to know my Savior, Jesus Christ, through this Lenten season, the more I fell in love. I sought the Lord and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears (Psalm 34:4) This Psalm could not be more true in my life. But then come the days like yesterday when I am just a hot mess! 

I end each day in the Bible. I find it relaxing and comforting. I am currently reading Deuteronomy and Mark. Even though I felt disconnected from God and like He had abandoned me (which He never does- He is always with me) I felt God through the words of Moses and Mark. I went to sleep hopeful-looking forward to a brand new day. 

I went to church this morning and I found God. I found Him and felt Him through praise and worship, through the preaching of His Word and through my small group. I fixed my eyes on Him and He did not disappoint. He calls to me! He calls for me to trust Him through those hot mess days. He calls me to remember that He is my hope, that He knows my future and that it is for my good and His glory! Praise the Lord! 

Linking with Inspire Me Monday and What Joy is Mine

Praise

Why am I so depressed?

Why this turmoil within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will still praise Him

my Savior and my God?

Psalm 42:5, 11 and 43:5

I have been struggling lately. Struggling with loneliness, feelings of rejection, of not being good enough. Struggling with the wait, the wait for answers from God about several things, the silence and the stillness, my lack of faith and trust. My mind wanders and the enemy seizes every weak moment. I think to myself- I cannot do this. I cannot handle this anymore. And the reply back every time is- you are right. You cannot,  but He can. You are too weak, but He is strong. You are going to lose every time, but with Him you can be victorious. 

Today was a rough day. I missed him. My mind would not stop thinking about what I did wrong, why it was so easy for him to move on and why I still miss him and think about him. The enemy attacking. Attacking me on Easter Sunday! Taking my focus off of God and putting it on temporal, earthly, visible things. Taking my focus off of the One who died in my place, because He loved me so much, that I may live life abundantly in Him. I cringe when I think that I allow the enemy to win. 

However, tonight my Bible reading was in Psalms. The plan I am currently using has me reading a few Psalms every Sunday. Tonight it was clear that God was speaking to me. His message- These thoughts and feelings you have are not new! Others have gone before you and had them. They struggled, they stumbled, but they knew the answer just like you know the answer. I am the answer! Put your hope in Me. I am your Savior and your God-even when the waiting hurts. Even when you don't feel me, I am there. I will give you answers in My time. My way is perfect. Trust Me, believe Me, put your hope in Me alone. 

Linking with Titus 2 Tuesday

Shine

I just finished watching Jessa Duggar's (now Seewald) wedding! It was beautiful and special! What I loved most about Ben and Jessa's wedding was that God was honored and that their faith and relationship with God, as individuals and as a couple, was front and center. As the divorce rate increases and families break apart, this couple was covered in prayer before, during and after their special day. I am sure they will be covered in prayer the rest of their lives. The advice given to them by family members centered on praying together each day, forgiving one another daily, sacrificing for one another and being selfless. I believe these are the things that keep marriages together under the toughest trials and circumstances.

God can take what is broken or has broken and mend it back together. It requires humbling ourselves and admitting our part in what went wrong and asking for forgiveness. I believe this is true in all relationships not just a marriage relationship. It was the example that Christ gave us on the cross. He humbled Himself by coming down from His heavenly throne to become a man. An innocent and pure man without sin. He became sin and laid down, sacrificed His life, for us. He took on God's wrath and died in the most violent and horrible way-crucifixion. He was selfless. He paid a debt we could not pay-in order that we may have life everlasting! 

Throughout Jesus' life on this earth, the gospels show a man of prayer who would find time alone to be with God no matter how early He had to rise in the morning or how late in the evening after the crowds finally departed. He sought God-His Father. He had a relationship with God that required quality time. He spent quality time with His disciples as well-teaching them the way in which they should go and what they would be called to do and go through after He had died. 

That is what I see being lived out through the Duggars and their relationships. They pray, they spend quality time with God and with each other. They mentor, they teach, they forgive and they sacrifice. It is a blessing and encouragement to have these Godly examples and role models on television today. 

Be Brave and Stand

Doesn't it seem like the world is going crazy? Every time we turn on the television there is never-ending bad news-somewhere in the world, twenty-four seven. When I was really sick-stuck on the couch-unable to walk except from the couch to the bathroom (thank God for being able to do at least that!) I would watch the news most of the day.  Now I can barely watch it without becoming anxious or upset. I have to turn it off or walk away. 

And I have God on my side. I have a relationship with the Creator of this world. I can talk to and receive peace from the Kings of Kings and Lord of Lords, yet I can feel this way when I watch the news! How do people who don't have God do it? Where do they find their peace or joy or satisfaction? How do they live day in and day out not knowing what is going to happen when they die? Or what will they think when they do die and it isn't what they expected?

These are the questions God has been bringing to my mind and laying on my heart. In a chaos-filled world, there is a solid rock. Christ is the solid rock. I hear God saying-Why Krystle aren't you telling them about Me? I have no answer. There is no excuse. There is no reason why-unless you count insecurity and anxiety and not knowing what to say or how to start the conversation. 

God wasn't accepting that answer. Moses immediately popped into my head-along with Abraham, Rahab and David. God can use anyone-as long as He is working through us we don't need to be afraid. More than ever people need the Lord and I have the answers. 

Easter is here! He is risen! That is the gospel message! He lives!!! He is the answer to every problem. I stand on the promises of God-why wouldn't I want to freely share these amazing promises about my God who sustains and carries me day by day? 

I love hymns and am currently listening to Keith and Kristyn Getty-Live at the Gospel Coalition. Every hymn is beautiful and powerful. The hymn, "By Faith" came on and the words struck me, especially the chorus-

We will stand as children of the promise

We will fix our eyes on HIM our soul's reward

Till the race is finished and the work is done

We'll walk by faith and not by sight

Fixing my eyes on Him, my soul's reward! Till the work is done! How can the work get done if I am silent? Walking by faith is not easy, but He is greater and mightier and nothing is impossible in His name. So when He whispers, "Tell the world" I need to seek and use the opportunities He provides and speak the good news-He lives!!! 

The whole hymn is encouraging so here is the video if you want to listen! 

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

Sweetest name I know. I just fall in love over and over again. I cannot see Him, I cannot touch Him, I cannot see His face, but I know He is there. I know because He has always been there. He will always be there. He knew me before I was even formed in the womb (Psalm 139:13). He created me and He loved me so much that He sent His only Son to die for me. Yes, I am talking about God and His Son Jesus. This love for my Savior is overwhelming and all-consuming. I have found that when you pursue God, when you give Him everything you have, when you give Him complete control, He will give you a peace beyond all understanding. He gives you all of Him. He doesn't hold anything back and He has written you an amazing love letter (the Bible) that tells you His past, His present and what He has in store for your future. A future that can be spent eternally with Him. 

However, life does not become easy. It does not become pain-free or stress less. I believe it becomes harder. I believe there is suffering involved. I believe it requires a daily surrendering of yourself to God and His authority and Lordship. I believe what Jesus told his disciples-that you have to die to self, pick up your cross and follow Him (see Matthew 16:24, Luke 9:23). In fact, He demands it . He tells us in Matthew 10:38, "Whoever does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me." Jesus is beyond worthy. He died for me and for you. He didn't just die easily, He suffered through beatings, verbal assaults, was tortured-for my sins and for yours. 

What God has really impressed upon me as Easter approaches is that Jesus was separated from God-truly forsaken-for me, for you. We will never have to be forsaken by God because Jesus was-He became sin, He became our substitute, He became the living sacrifice. His relationship with God was completely cut off because of my sin. That is how much he loves me and you. However, death could not hold him. The grave could not defeat Him. He rose again on the 3rd day defeating death, overcoming the grave, ascending to sit beside God on the throne. 

This world hurts. The evil can be overwhelming. The pain crushing. Satan attacks over and over again-especially as we grow closer to God. I have my days where I wonder what God could possibly be doing and why things aren't happening like I want them too. I become angry and depressed at times. That is when I know Satan is smiling and thinking he finally has me where he wants me. BUT-the bottom line is I make a choice to believe, to have faith, that God knows! He knows what is best for me. He is sovereign. He is working all things out for my good and His glory. He loves me more than I can imagine. He asks me to trust and believe. As I sit here I find myself asking- Lord how can I not? 

He is my Prince of Peace, my Lord of Lords, my King of Kings! He can be yours too! 

Linking with Inspire Me Monday

Trust

These words have resonated with me since I saw this for the first time on Facebook months ago. I want these words to be true of me. I want this to be my goal. It was the reason I started this blog over 2 years ago. This world is not my home. My longing is for more-for my eternal home in heaven with my God, my Savior, my Jesus. 

I still find myself with the desire to get married, have children and to serve God with my life. However, I trust God no matter what. Yes, I believe God has given me these desires, but He has given me a greater desire for Him. This world will do everything it can to knock you down, chew you up and spit you back out (over and over and over again). That's where the trust comes in. He knows-the beginning, the middle, the end. He knows our whole story. I want Him to be my story. Nothing compares to God. Nothing compares to His unfailing love, His overflowing grace, His abundant mercy. The things of this world fade away when compared to my omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent God. 

She doesn't follow the crowd

and she doesn't fit the mold

because being like the world 

is not really her goal.

Her TRUST IS IN THE LORD 

and she longs for much more

than anything this world

could ever have in store. 

First or Last Call?

Life is full of highs and lows, mountains and valleys. Forget life for a moment- EACH day is filled with highs and lows. Lately it seems that the lows have formed a mountain and the highs are buried underneath. Singleness, chronic health problems with daily pain and a job that just feels more overwhelming and impossible to do each day-these things comprise my current season of life. 

When the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad days pile up, who do we turn to first? Do we talk to the people we live with? Do we pick up the phone and call our best friends? Get on Facebook (or any other social media outlet) and tell the world what is wrong? 

Yes, I have done all three of those things. Then I saw this picture and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't know where this picture came from and who to give credit to for it, but I am very thankful they posted it. 

Let it be Jesus the first name that I call. Challenging, huh? It is easy to turn to the people we can see and hear and comment/message with. However, Jesus wants us to turn to Him first. He sees everything that happens to us. He willingly and tirelessly listens. He loves us no matter what. He never leaves us and He waits for us to cling to Him first in those not so great moments of life. He wants us to turn to Him first even in the best moments. He wants all of us. This is what God has been teaching me through the trials. He provides a peace that passes all understanding and gives hope that no one here on Earth can. 

In case I missed God's point, the song "Let It be Jesus" (Chris Tomlin) played through my iPhone the other day. What is funny is that I never make it to the end of the playlist where this song is located. I know it was God's way of getting his message across to me. Here are the words: 

Let it be Jesus

The first name that I  call

Let it be Jesus

My song inside the storm

I'll never need another

For me, to live is Christ

For me, to live is Christ

God I breathe Your name above everything

Let it be, Let it be Jesus

Let it be Jesus

From the rising of the sun

Let it be Jesus

When all is said and done

I'll never need another, Jesus there's no other

Should I ever be abandoned

Should I ever be acclaimed

Should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame

There's a name I will remember

There's a name I will proclaim

Let it be, Let it be Jesus

It's a beautiful song and a precious reminder to call on Jesus above all else. It has been in my head since the day I heard it. We will truly never need another no matter what we face during this life. Let it be Jesus- He is the best first call you will ever make. 

Here is the song: